Not mattering and having the attention span of a goldfish

Recently I have been thinking a lot about how little I matter and how much I worry. I fear that this sounds as if I am depressed, but I don't think I am. There are days and moments in time where I feel sad and overwhelmed, but as I understand it this is part of the human experience. Clinical depression is a very serious condition and I wish to not contribute to the misuse of this word - by describing my very minor problems as "depression" and thereby having the words lose meaning to someone that is ACTUALLY depressed.

I sometimes daydream about writing a book. It seems like a very daunting task and a lot of work. It seems that I would also need to spend a considerable amount of time thinking and crafting opinions about things. I like the idea of writing a book because I think books are cool and I have big respect for authors. Another challenging task to overcome would be the fact that other people might end up reading it.

But fuck it man, that is why I am making this blog. Dipping my toes into writing and publishing something. I feel this little chill down my spine knowing that my friends from high school, former teachers, friends or colleagues could be reading, but it is also an exciting rush. I wonder what they they truly think about my ideas, if anything at all. It is very nice being part of a community, but it is not always clear to me what the boundaries and exceptions are. Especially when you can change at an instant. You can have an opinion or an idea and boom you can be something else. If you want to be writer: sit down in front of the computer and write something - congratulations! You are a writer. If you want to do something as a writer, have it be your proffession you have to keep doing it. Set aside and make time for continuous practice and work on your skills. But that is really hard! Yes, yes it is. That is why there are so few successful writers.

I want to quote legendary skateboarder Lewis Marnell when asked about how one becomes good at skateboarding. "Self-confidence and practice." In some messed up way that is what I am doing with this website. I am trying to put myself out there with all my flaws and accept it. When I re-read my own writing I seem so absolute, with the attention span of a goldfish. One week I am this thing, next week I am this other thing. What if I am a young adult in my early twenties, a little overwhelmed by society and life in general? I think I am trying to figure out who I am by trying out new stuff and that can be cool too. Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago:

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